


Little Boy Lost

by bookl0ver



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Don't copy to another site, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24297607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookl0ver/pseuds/bookl0ver
Summary: When an argument gets out of hand, can Ben and Callum pick up the pieces of themselves?
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	Little Boy Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Past child abuse - described at a very surface level, but may be triggering.  
> References to domestic violence, kidnapping, obsessive behaviour and yelling. 
> 
> If any of these things may be triggering for you, please do not read this fic. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Where the hell have you been?” 

Callum flinched at the question as he closed the front door behind him. He knew this might happen, but he thought he’d been quick enough to avoid it. 

He had only popped out to see Mick for a cuppa, and stopped off at the minute mart for some dinner items. Ben wasn’t even supposed to have finished work for another – oh fuck. Callum cringed as he noticed the time on the clock, a whole hour after Ben finished work. 

“I was worried sick!” Ben stood by the kitchen, a dish towel clenched tightly between his fingers. “I was about to send out a search party! Don’t you answer your fucking phone anymore?” 

The volume of Ben’s voice did not decrease as he spoke, instead rising to a yell that had Callum wincing. He knew ever since Keanu, Ben had become protective, clingy even. Guilt reigned in his stomach as he thought of the phone he’d forgotten to charge, and how many frantic texts and missed calls were probably sitting on it. 

“Ben, I-I’m sor-" 

“Do you understand how scary it is for me, not knowing that you’re safe? Anything could’ve happened to you Cal!” 

“Ben please, calm -" 

“Do not tell me to calm down,” Ben strode towards him then, tilting his chin up so Callum could see the anger in his eyes. Nausea flooded Callum’s stomach. 

It was like being a kid again, confused about what he’d done, not knowing how to make it better, the only certainty being the screaming and shouting, the vicious anger and hatred in his dad’s eyes. The way they always preceded a fist coming down, and words that echoed in his ears. Tremors started to shake his hands, and he could feel the tears pricking at his eyes and he hastily looked down, blinking them away. Don’t cry, don’t show weakness. 

Ben was still ranting, his hands flying around as he vented the fear that had seized him when Callum wasn’t home as usual, that had tightened and felt like it was suffocating him when he couldn’t get through to his boyfriend’s phone. As he gesticulated, the end of the dish towel flicked sharply, connecting harshly with Callum’s cheek. 

At the flash of pain Callum reeled. It was happening all over again. He was ten years old, had told a teacher he hadn’t had anything to eat, again, and the social had been round. His dad had rounded on him as soon as they left, shouted and screamed and laid into him with anything he could find. Jonno Highway wasn’t a smart man, but when it came to causing pain, he was very creative. The dish towel, filthy and old as it was, had made an excellent whip, Callum’s tiny body covered in welts from shoulders to ankles. He never spoke to teachers after that. 

A hand touched his shoulder and jolted him into action. He tried to dart forward, get into his room, hide until it was safe, but a hand caught his wrist in a vice grip that he couldn’t shake off. 

“I'm sorry! I’m sorry, please, don’t hurt me! I’m sorry!” The words escaped him, the tears following suit and he fell to his knees, curling up into a ball. Words from Stuart echoed in his head. Protect your stomach, your head and your privates, and everything else will heal. Make yourself small, don’t give him a big target. 

Guilt and horror warred in Ben’s brain, dropping to his knees beside Callum. He was speaking, frantic apologies and assurances but Callum couldn’t hear him, couldn’t see him. He didn’t dare touch him, hands helplessly by his side as he tried to help. His ears were filled with Callum’s desperate pleas for mercy, for forgiveness and Ben felt like the piece of dirt everyone thought he was. 

The pain had paused. Maybe his dad had left? Callum slowly blinked his eyes open, allowing his surroundings to register. 

Cold, wooden floor. Pink walls. And Ben’s voice. 

“Callum, Callum it’s me, babe it’s Ben. It’s okay, I promise it’s okay. I didn’t mean to; it was an accident. I’m sorry, just please come back to me, you’re scaring me baby.” 

“Ben...?” He slowly pushed himself up, blinking the mist from the tears away. His breathing was slowing down, and he registered his boyfriend’s similarly tear-stained face. “I thought, I thought-" 

“Shh, it’s okay Callum, it’s okay,” Ben smiled softly, relieved. “You’re safe, I promise.” 

The events preceding his melt down came back to him and Callum flinched despite himself. 

“You hit me.” 

Ben’s heart dropped to his stomach. Did, did Callum really believe he’d hit him, deliberately cause him pain? The hurt, terrified look in his eyes confirmed that he did. 

Reaching out, his heart shattered when Callum flinched away from the hand that Ben rested on his cheek. Tears stung at his eyes, and he blinked them back. He needed to be calm, be rational, if he wanted to come out of this fucked up mess with a relationship. 

“No baby, I didn’t. I would never, never hurt you; I swear.” He glanced at the dish towel he’d dropped, vowing to bin it as soon as he could, the memory of the sharp crack it had made as it connected with Callum’s skin echoing in his brain. 

“But you, you were so angry, and the, my cheek,” Callum tried to connect the pieces. He didn’t remember seeing Ben hit him, but he remembered the shouting, and then the pain. What could have happened between those, other than a hit? 

In the back of his mind, Ben wondered how present Callum actually was. Talking to him was more akin to talking to Lexi after a bad dream, and his eyes contained an innocent terror that even after his worst nightmares wasn’t usually present. All he could do was explain, and hope his boyfriend returned to normal.

“I was shouting at you, and I’m so sorry babe, I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that, I was just so worried about you,” Ben gently tilted Callum’s head so their eyes met, praying Callum could see that he was being honest. It made him shiver, to think how many people had lied to and hurt his beautiful boyfriend. “And I was being dramatic, like I am, you know me – I’m the biggest drama queen this side of the West End ain’t I? And I was flailing me arms around and the towel hit you in the face. It was an accident Callum; I swear on my life.” 

He paused, searching Callum’s expression for a hint of what he was thinking. His brow was furrowed, lips tightly pressed together, and whole-body tense. Ben prayed that what he was saying was actually registering. He couldn’t bear the thought of being left alone with only the shame at his temper for company. 

“Callum, my beautiful, gorgeous man. I promise you, I would never hurt you. I would never do anything to scare you, or cause you pain. Please, believe me.” The tears began to fall as he went silent, hand falling from Callum’s face to rest on his knees. 

For several long minutes the silence echoed in the flat, and Ben’s heart was in his toes. There was no way Callum was going to forgive him. What kind of boyfriend was he, shouting at his boyfriend like a mad man, flying off the handle over an hour of no communication? Ever since Keanu had kidnapped Callum, and Ben had spent days searching desperately for him Ben had found these tendencies arising within himself. The need to know where Callum was at all times, the desire to have Callum with him wherever possible, overwhelming panic whenever he didn’t know where Callum was. He hadn’t realised it was so out of control, until now. 

“I believe you.” 

Ben’s gaze shot back up to meet Callum’s, heart beating rapidly as the words processed. 

“You do?” He found himself asking, cursing the question as soon as it left his lips. 

“I know you, Ben.” Callum’s lips quirked into a tiny smile, and he took Ben’s hand in his. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I just, the yelling and the towel... it- it brought back some things.” 

“I should never have yelled at you like that Callum, I’m so sorry.” 

“You frightened me.” Callum admitted. “Even before the towel. The way you were, it was terrifying. Like being a kid again, with my dad.” 

Ben swallowed the lump in his throat down. Right now wasn’t about him, he couldn’t beg Callum for the reassurance he desperately craved that Callum still loved him, wasn’t afraid of him. 

“I’m so sorry. If you want me to leave, I will. If, if this is-" Ben coughed, the words sticking in his throat. “If you wanna finish with me, I understand.” 

A shock went through him when Callum climbed onto his own knees and pulled him into a hug, crushing Ben’s face against his shoulder. 

“Course I don’t wanna finish with you, I love you you prick.” Callum held Ben tightly, feeling suddenly exhausted and just wanting his boyfriend near him. “But,” 

Ben frowned as Callum pulled back, rising to his feet and urging Ben up with him. He connected their hands, giving a soft reassuring squeeze. 

“We need to talk. Either to each other, or someone else, it doesn’t matter, but we need to work through whatever the hell is going on, okay? I get that you were worried about me, but that’s no excuse to talk to me the way you did, and if you ever treat me like that again, like I’m some kind of possession that can’t be separated from you, or think for myself, it will be the end. Understand?” 

Ben nodded wordlessly, unable to verbalize any kind of response. He wanted to thank Callum for giving him another chance, wanted to scream at him that he should run, that Ben wasn’t good enough and this had only proved that. He wanted to tell Callum he loved him, that he would do anything for him. All he could do was grasp his fingers tight, and stare into those gorgeous eyes that blazed now, no longer dull with tears or wild with fear, but sparkled with passion and resilience. 

Eventually, Ben reached up to plant a chaste kiss on Callum’s cheek, over the mark left by the towel. 

“I promise you, Callum, that we will get through this. Now, why don’t you sit down, and I’ll make us both a cuppa, and we can have that talk, okay?” 

Callum nodded and made his way to the sofa, throwing his coat over the back of it and kicking his shoes off. Ben wandered into the kitchen, sticking the kettle on and grabbing two mugs and tea bags. Whilst he waited for the kettle to boil his thoughts stretched out in front of him, and he settled on one. 

No matter what this talk dug up, no matter how hard the next few minutes, hours and days might be, there was one certainty. 

They’d get through it. Callum and him. Him and Callum. 

Because they loved each other, and that was enough. 

It had to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to make it clear that Ben did not mean to hurt Callum, but also what he did (shouting at him) wasn't right. This is about them realising they need to work through their issues. I am not condoning yelling at, or otherwise attempting to control/intimidate your partner, and love is not an excuse for those actions. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, feel free to drop a comment or kudos, they're always appreciated. 
> 
> Have a great day!


End file.
